November 10, 2011

Who Slept With Who On Gilligan's Island?

Over the course of human history, there have been many questions that have plagued mankind... What's the meaning of life?... Are we alone in the universe?... How could all those teenage Twilight fangirls possibly think Robert Pattinson is good looking?... And do we really need TWO Snow White movies?

But none of these questions compare to the one eternal mystery that every man, woman and child inevitably comes to ponder...

"Who had sex with who on Gilligan's Island?"

After considerable research in which I examined the series, the subtext of the individual episodes, and the psychology of the characters, I was finally able to definitively deduce who each of the castaways slept with during their many years on that damn island.

When you examine the Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island, you'll see that Ginger represents lust. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that it's Ginger who is at the epicenter of all sexual activity among the castaways. So first off, Ginger did the Professor. You figure, the Professor is very studious, right?... He’s only interested in his experiments and he doesn’t pay Ginger any attention. That turns her on. (You know how chicks are always attracted to guys that ignore them.)

After that, Ginger did it with Mr. Howell. Why?.. One word, money. He probably promised to buy her a house, or jewelry or a movie studio or something after they got rescued. You see, people think that Ginger was this big famous movie star that was probably super-wealthy in her own right. The truth is Ginger was a "B"-movie actress who starred in a lot of low-budget films. Check this list of movies she mentions having starred in prior to being marooned on the island -- The Hula Girl and the Fullback, Mohawk Over the Moon, Belly Dancers of Bali-Bali, and Rain Dancers of Rango-Rango.

See what I mean? We're not exactly talking Schindler's List here, are we?

If Ginger Grant were an actress today, she'd be a lot closer to Carmen Electra than Meryl Streep. So you figure, when it came to her Hollywood career, Ginger was looking to get TO the top, by letting Mr. Howell get ON top... of her.

Okay next, Mary Ann had sex with Ginger. How do I figure?... You have to study the backstory of the characters. Mary Ann is a sweet, innocent, naïve little farmgirl from the midwest --probably still a virgin. Meanwhile, Ginger is this big Hollywood celebrity. You know, with that whole sixties, swinging lifestyle -- free love and what not. She was probably into all kinds of kinky stuff.

So one night, Ginger and Mary Ann go for a moonlight swim in the lagoon... Skinnydipping... They get back to their hut; they have a little champagne... (In case you're wondering where they got the champagne, Mr. Howell opened a case to celebrate after they escaped from the headhunters the day before.) So anyway, they’re in their hut, toweling each other off, sipping champagne... one thing leads to another... Next thing you know it turns into a late night 90s Cinemax movie starring Shannon Tweed.

Alright, later on -- not right away, but later -- after a couple of years on the island, Mary Ann and Gilligan hooked up. And that made Ginger jealous, so she seduced Gilligan and they had sex. Now I know what you’re saying, "Ginger was just a huge freakin’ slut!"... You are correct.

That leaves the Skipper. So who was banging him?... Nobody. Maybe Ginger threw him a bone one day and made out with him, or let him feel her up or something, but that's it. No coitus of any kind.

And finally, who was doing Mrs. Howell?... No one. Think about it. If you were on a deserted island and needed sexual gratification -- Mrs. Howell, or a hallowed out coconut?...

I rest my case.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Finally, as a kid with a wild imagination, you've articulated all I ever needed to know about this very important issue that's been dogging me all these years!! Thanks!